I Want Ham.

I know that this is the life I chose to live and that with this decision to move to Saudi Arabia would come lessons and trials. I do not write this to proclaim a disappointment in my life's path or in that decision. I am blessed and I am extremely aware of that fact, and thankful for it. But I am so very aware of the distance from my comfort zone and the freedoms I used to enjoy on a daily, moment to moment basis. I am painfully aware of the time I am not spending with my loved ones. And part of me is angry and sad that there are so many people out there not spending time with their family or friends, taking for granted the freedoms they have. Tonight for some reason the distance feels even more apparent. The distance from the little things I used to take for granted like having a ham sandwich if I wanted to, for example. I don't even like ham usually, but because I can't have it here (Pork is against the law and not sold here) I want it even more. Such an unnecessary thing - a ham sandwich.
It is apparent to me more now than ever what an important role I play as a mother and wife. What an important job I have been given to teach my children about what is right and what is wrong, and to support my Paul. And I am thankful for being given this opportunity - God willing it will always be a good and happy and blessed one - to see for myself what the world is really like. I am grateful for the opportunity to learn humility and appreciation of the things I have and the people I meet.
Tonight, more than ever, I miss my family. I miss being able to touch them and see them and smell them. I miss the clean, warm smell of my mother and her hair when we hug. I miss the warmth of her arms and the soothing hum of her voice that always knows what to say. Her powerful energy that can heal the deepest sorrow. I miss my sister Amber's smile, her contagious laugh and her gentle example of patience and kindness. I miss my brother Greg's laugh, his strong arms and kind, accepting face. I miss my brother Nathan's hugs, his simple honesty and committment to everyone he knows. And I miss my sister Heidi's constant strive to improve and work hard and her loving, accepting and encouraging words.
Family has always been a very important thing for me and I never imagined I would live so far from them. Growing up I imagined a life of family parties and constant visits. Nights of laughter and memories - like we had growing up. Of cousins playing and an occassional girls night out with my sisters. I don't know how I got where I am today and what the purpose of all of this is. Fifteen years ago, when my friends and I used to sit around and wonder where we would be 15 years later, I would have never imagined I would be where I am.
I have always assumed God had a plan for me and my life so I continue to hope this is true and that there is a good reason I am where I am today - so far from my beloved family... and ham.

I Want My Life Back

I just spent a good 10 minutes staring at facebook. I learned nothing from it. I gained nothing from it. I was annoyed several times at farmville and sorority life posts and do I really need to know that a girl I knew in high school and haven't spoken to in 15 years just made herself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Is it really important that I take that quiz about whether or not my choice of shirt color determines if I am sexy or not?

Is there something missing in my life that makes it so I spend so much time looking at the same homepage of facebook over and over, refreshing it and checking my profile and then refreshing it again, hoping for something, anything, to make the day a little better? Looking at my life and all of the wonderful people I know and the wonderful opportunities I have, I wouldn't imagine so.

When did I become one of those people? Where it was important for me to get 205 friends on facebook. I remember the day I broke 200... it was like I had just received the Medal of Honor. I almost made myself a certificate of completion and hung it on the wall, I was so excited.

When is it bad?

It's bad when you start wondering if that girl at the register at the grocery store you go to once a week, the one who always waves at and talks to your daughter, Gina or Tina something, is on facebook. It's bad when it's the first thing you do in the morning - check facebook - even before your morning pee. It's bad when your living room is piled up with laundry that needs to be folded and your sweet little girl is crying at your feet because she wants your attention, but you have to refresh facebook just one more time. It's bad when in the middle of posting this blog post - I stop to check and see if there is anything new on facebook.

It's nice and all because everyone and their mother and their dog and their mother's dog is on there... so if you wanted to make an announcement or find a long lost person you probably could do it on facebook. But I have crossed over to the inappropriate phase and a change needs to be made.

I don't think I will check facebook again for a while.

Mommy Jeopardy.

Answer: In a matter of 15 minutes... the catfood was moved from the dry side of the dish to the water side and became all mushy; the rice had been taken out of the cupboard and dumped all over the kitchen floor; my brandnew cell phone was put into the toilet; and she had her hands inside the kitty litter box sifting through the rocks and poop.

Question: What is, reasons why Madeline isn't quite ready for trusted independent play?

Eating Dirt.

Madeline loves to go outside. So much, that she runs out of the garage as soon as I open the garage door. Our driveway is a little steep for new feet, and today she did a massive face plant right onto it. I was surprised she didn't lose any teeth in the process because it was vicious and wicked. I saw the whole thing in slow motion as it happened, and I tried to get to her before she wiped out, but to no avail...

Introducing, big boo boo #2: The Fat Lip.

Not as scary as the black eye from the tubby time fall, but pretty darn frightening. I truly hate when my dolly gets hurt, and I am seriously considering just wrapping her in bubble paper until she is 7 or 8. The big bubble bubble paper.

Finishing.

I've never been good at finishing things. I have several goals. Some new and fresh; some that have been dusted off a few times; some covered in cobwebs; and some I have forgotten about or given up on because I made too many excuses too many times.

It's sad really, because I believe these ideas I have, that at times suddenly pop into my head, do so for a reason. I believe objects come into my life because they are supposed to... like books or art supplies, etc. Books specifically have been on my mind a lot lately.

I have MANY books in my posession. Some referred to me by friends. Some given to me or referred by my inspiring, knowledge flowing momma. Some I just saw somewhere and thought, "hmm, that looks like a good book."

To be completely honest with myself and the universe, I don't think I have ever really read any of them (okay, maybe a couple, I don't remember) all the way through! Not even my Bible - don't judge me - I know that's in there somewhere.

I feel like I have let myself down. I feel like my brain is numb in some areas (That could also be from lack of sleep). I feel like there is a smarter, more interesting, and vivacious me inside that could be doing more with herself. Saying more, using my talents more, sharing more with the world.

So, a goal: Read every book I have all the way through - even my Bible. I'm actually quite excited about this.

My first book is called: The Soul's Pallete - Drawing on arts transformative powers for health and well-being. So far, I am really liking it and it has made me want to start up my art again.

Every Moment Matters

Last night I heard from one of my best friend's husbands, that she was in the ICU after complications from preeclampsia that caused her to have a bleed in her brain. This morning she passed away.

Stacey is a beautiful person and spirit and I will miss her terribly in this life. I mourn for her family. Her kind, loving husband, Mitch, and their four beautiful children, Kayley, Emma, Bridger, and Greyson. I'm having a hard time finding words to express how I am feeling so I just want to post some wise and comforting words from my mom.

It is hard and painful to lose someone you love. The solution is don't lose them. Know where they are and send them peace, joy and love. You are connected to the Universal Energy Source (God) and Stacey is connected to the Universal Energy Source. Therefore you are still connected to Stacey. If anything she is closer to you now that she was before. This is a concept that I have felt and believe in since my Mother died in November.

We all wanted to come to Earth and have a physical body. We have known each other from the beginning of time. I believe some of us agreed to stick together in family units, if for no other reason than to offer each other the challenges we needed to grow and pass our tests.

Each one of us has the gift of free agency and the things that happen to us are the result of our choices. We are each responsible for our own reality. No one else has the power to make you say, do or feel anything if you don't want to. Sometimes that is a hard concept to accept but it is true.

I know that the sparkling, glowing spirit that is you, me or Stacey will never die. Our Spirit is eternal and powerful. We are children of our Heavenly Father. You are what you come from therefore we are divine and a piece of God. As I see it, Stacey can accomplish more and benefit her children more by doing what she has chosen to do. You could say Stacey has a heavenly perspective on her family now. Stacey's family was blessed to know her even if it was just for a short time. We know that the children being born at this time are the strongest, most valiant and intelligent spirits. They were saved for the latter days for that reason. There is no question that they are capable of over coming their obstacles and challenges. They are God's most elite.

One of the most interesting concepts that I have come to understand is that when we (the Earth bound) cry and feel like our hearts are breaking at the death of a loved one we are, in fact, crying for our own loss. Instead of understanding what has happened and where they have gone we are seeing it as a huge, emptiness in our own lives. Crossing over is a developmental step. It falls in the same category as being born, cutting teeth and eventually growing into an adult. It's just a step in our eternal progression.

Know that you are a child of God...Know where you've been...Know where you are....Know where you're going... I love you totally..... Momma

How can one help marveling at the voyage we are making on this planet? One has to lift one's self up and use one's imagination to see that it is a voyage, and that our course lies through the star-paved abysses of infinite space. Few of us ever see it or realize it in all its awful grandeur. But sometimes, as we look up at the night sky, we are surprised out of our habitual stolidity and blindness; the mind opens for a moment, and we see the Infinite face to face; the veil is withdrawn, and the rays from myriads of orbs penetrate to the soul.
— John Burroughs

Nevermind, It's Alive!

Excuse my previous post. I guess I jumped the gun a little.

So, we decided that right now isn't the best time to get another car. It will cost us less to pay the ridiculous charge to get BERTHA (Big Evil Ridiculous Totally Horrible Automobile) fixed than to invest in a new car right now and it will get me transportation to work sooner than later. I really really really want a newer, nicer car but sometimes what we want is not what is best at the moment. Grrr.

An attempt to be positive:
At least we HAVE a car. At least we have money to pay to get it fixed and a place to live and food to eat. Compared to most people in the world we are millionaires. I need to be thankful for my life and for all I have because we really are blessed.

Someday my prince (car) will come.

R.I.P. You Piece Of Crap.

In 2001 (I think, maybe 2000), I walked onto a Saturn car lot with my mother, and I purchased a 1997 used Saturn. It was the first time I had ever bought a car so I was excited about it. My lack of knowledge and anticipation to FINALLY have my own car were SEVERE handicaps because, without thinking about it or looking anywhere else or talking to Paul about it, I bought the first car I test drove. I was a car salesman's dream. I even bought this (new to me) used car for a ridiculous price - a price I could have purchased a new car for - with no argument, no attempt to dicker down to a reasonable price. I bought their story that the woman who owned it before was a frail school teacher who never went anywhere and just traded it in for something a bit newer - They ACTUALLY said that to me. hahahahahaha!!!

I think it was 30 days later, right after the tiny warranty they give you when you purchase the car was expired, it broke down and the dealership wanted me to pay them $800 to replace the alternator and battery. Apparently, they were dead. I hadn't purchased a new warranty, so nothing was covered.

I cried.

Isn't that was girls do? I sobbed actually, and in public, right there at the dealership because I did not have $800. In fact, I was in debt - with credit cards - and was living paycheck to paycheck at the time. It was my fault really - for being so naive and stupid. The sobbing got the price cut down to $400 and I was able to put it - where else? - on my credit card.

I think it was a couple months later some kids playing with a basketball threw it out into the road while I was driving by and shattered my windshield. I stopped, very angry, to talk to them and ask them to pay for it, and they ran. I even followed them to their apartment and told them what happened, and they said they'd pay for it. I never heard from them again.

There was a stretch of time when I actually didn't have any issues with the car. I got my oil changed regularly, things were going pretty well.

In 2002, Paul and I got married and we drove the car to Tennessee on our wedding night. It drove just fine. Here and there we had issues. Sometimes ridiculous and big, sometimes small. We paid for them. But all in all it was a pretty good car, until the last year or so.

Problems every other month. Most of them Paul could fix. He actually learned quite a bit about my car.

Have you ever seen that commercial for car insurance where the car shakes really loud and ferociously and then falls apart while the man is sitting in it??? It's an older commercial. The car in that commercial is the exact model as my car. That commercial was NOT an exaggeration in the least.

For months now, my car has been leaking all kinds of fluid. Paul has been able to fix most of them problems, but a few days ago, transmission fluid began leaking out all over the garage floor. Paul replaced the plug, but the next morning it was STILL leaking pretty bad. So we took it in to a garage to have it looked at, and apparently there is a large crack in the pan or container that holds the transmission fluid. They want to charge us $1500.00 to replace that container. $1500. FIF-TEEN-HUNDRED-DOLLARS. ONE THOUSAND, FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS. That's a lot of money.

So we're probably going to say goodbye to the Saturn. The lining to the ceiling inside is falling down. She rattles like a Moroccan band, it takes 30 minutes for the A/C to get cool but hey, we've had good times. We've also had extremely irritating, horribly, bad times... She lasted longer than I thought she would though, so there's a positive note. I've had her 8-9 years. She's over 12 years old - that's like 88 in car years isn't it?


So, now it is on to something better. Something with good mileage, air conditioning, room for babies, and is reasonably priced. Let the search begin.

Unexpected Moment

Today at the store, while waiting in line to pay, I had a conversation about babies, teenagers, and politics with some Harley Davidson Biker Dudes. They were older, hairy, covered in chains, denim, and leather and smelled of leather and grease.

In any other situation I probably NEVER would have started up a conversation with them. Wherever I go with Mads people comment about her and it often leads to some form of verbal exchange.

Ya know what? They were two of the nicest men I have ever met and Madeline LOVED them. She's a great judge of character. Appearances are very often deceiving. Today was a good reminder of that for me.

On the other end of the spectrum... a very beautiful girl cut me off on the way home and then flipped me off. Hmph. Life is so funny.

I Got A Job!

I graduate from college in 2 weeks and have been applying at hospitals all over the Memphis area in hopes that I would find the right position and place for me as I begin my nursing career.

Of the 7 - yes 7 - hospitals I applied to, 4 actually replied to my online application in a timely manner, and I was able to visit these hospitals and begin the interviewing process.

My interest in the nursing profession started a long time ago. I have always been interested in working in the medical field. When I was a kid I wanted to be a dermatologist then a veterinarian, and finally a "woman" doctor. My passion for a social life in high school severely affected my grades and I barely graduated high school with the required 2.6 GPA (I think that was the cut off point, I really don't remember). After high school, I blindly attended a community college - still searching for a social life and a "man" to marry - with no idea what I wanted to do with my life. The idea of nursing crossed my mind, but discouraging words, rumors that the waiting list for nursing school was too long, and a lack of motivation because - remember, my number one priority was finding a man - temporarily stunted that dream.

So I spent a couple of years, and thousands of dollars I did not have, taking dance classes, failing math classes (only because I didn't do the homework - oh and by the way when I went back to school here in Tennessee I kept a 4.0 up until nursing school) and basically WAITING for something to happen in my life. Not that it wasn't fun, but I wasn't going anywhere when everyone around me was moving on - very depressing.

I eventually stopped spending money on schooling that wasn't going anywhere and that wasn't doing anything but putting me further in debt. I got a job doing customer service for "internet on your TV" and then later for Hunter Douglas taking orders for window treatments from dealers. I loved my jobs but I was still sinking slowly into debt as I would spend money I did not have on an attempt to look better (I had way too many shoes at this time in my life).

***Credit cards in the hands of young, impressionable women who were never taught how to budget or be financially stable are a dangerous thing my friends***

I finally found my soulmate in the oddest place imaginable - the Internet. It was very unplanned and unexpected. My husband Paul is one of the most "together," smart, and spiritually "in tune" people I have ever met. The life that we are making together is one of which I have always dreamed. This oneness of purpose is something that I have never experienced, and I am certain that it is rare. I have been blessed beyond my ability to fathom, and I realize this every day of my life. I know that we were made for one another.

In the 5 years we have been married, I have grown in many ways. I have learned much about who I am and what I want in my life... what kind of person I want to be. It took me a while, but I feel like I actually know who I am. Among the many opportunities I have had since my marriage, I was given the chance to go back to school and do something with my life!

I ate up everything I was learning. I LOVED math. I LOVED English, Sociology, Art History, Nutrition, Anatomy and physiology, Chemistry, and even Microbiology! It was almost as if my brain had been starving for 24 years and had finally discovered a smorgusborg of knowledge. It was divine!

Now, here I sit, about to graduate from college with my Bachelors degree in Nursing. It is a proud day in my life. A monumental day.

After much contemplation, consideration, and deep and serious thought, today I accepted a job at a great hospital here in Memphis as a perioperative nurse. I start May 21st, and will have 8-9 months of orientation and training learning everything about perioperative nursing.

It was a big decision for me, and it took a long time. I was actually offered 3 jobs - all of which were amazing - but I picked the one that I felt the best about.

In the end, if you follow your gut feelings about something, you will never fail. I love my life.

Paul's Life Lessons: Tupperware

Paul: taking a tupperware container out of the fridge, "Did you put this in here without the lid on securely?"

Me: "Yes. You're going to eat the chicken that's in it right now anyway, why does it matter?"

Paul: proceeds to demonstrate how to properly secure the tupperware lid.

Me: "awesome, thanks."